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March 29, 2008

Becoming Nikkov: Diary Entry 2 - March 29, 2007

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 5:53 pm

Lisa came and got the last of her stuff: tooth brush, comb, make-up, shirts, etc. I tried to get her to fool around (I’m a guy, I’m allowed to be callow and horny, right? ….. right??) but she kept laughing it off. Pretty sure she’s seeing someone new already. Guess I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought I did.

Talking to Nikkov about it makes me feel a lot better. Obviously he doesn’t talk back but it’s nice thinking that someone is listening to me. Comforting in a weird way, I guess. I’m having a hard time outlining a new story even though I had several ideas while I was working on Nikkov’s story. He grew in character so fast I have a hard time not trying to write him into these other, contrasting stories.

That grocery trip turned out great, also. I am so addicted to those little hamburger helper singles packs, I would like to shake the hand of whoever thought that up. I even like the spicy taco ones and I have never liked spicy foods. I think I’ll go heat one of those up now and I’ll tell Nikkov about some of those story ideas.

March 28, 2008

Becoming Nikkov: Diary Entry 1 - March 28, 2007

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 5:52 pm

Diary,

Things are great. Been a while since I wrote in this but I’ve been working on that short story. It sold!! YAY!! A New England horror mag picked it up for a couple hundred bucks. Still, gets me in the door, right? It’s weird, I wrote it pretty quickly because it felt so natural but I’ve started talking to the main character of my story when I’m alone. I’ve always talked to myself, just the natural course of things when you’re alone so much, but now I specifically feel like I’m talking to Nikkov. It feels right, so I see no reason to stop.

Oh, that girl I was seeing, Lisa, she got upset with me, all the time I was spending getting the details of my story together that she quit calling or wanting to hang out. She was always complaining that all I talked about was the story and how it was playing out in my head. Well, now she’s played out, I guess that just goes to show you. She was fun though.

I have to head out for some groceries. Now that the story is over with I’ll be writing more here until I plan out my next one. Things are great, now just need something in the house to munch on.

-D

October 27, 2007

I sold out….

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 4:00 am

I started a myspace blog because so many people bugged me to so they could check it easier…  alack alas…  that’s where to find my latest stuff.

October 6, 2007

My Admission

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 1:13 pm

Inside I can’t deny the ache and on my face I wear a smile like the gruesome teared and frowning face of a clown. I thought I had a hold on life before I opened myself to another and in so doing gained great feeling and emotion for which I am glad to own and glad to know I can still feel.  I also gained a crushing weight on my chest that can’t be lifted by anything but her smile and her laughter and the basic attention I can glean at the best of times.

I sit back and rummage in my mind and my heart for anything to keep my mind from the bleeding, ever tenacious pain like a dagger just under my skin. I read great works and repeat to myself the throbbing words long dead poets felt for the loves they could not capture and bespeak my woe to their never present spirit. I rue myself over and over for the evident failure on my part to summon either the courage or the persistence to have kept that love and beauty close to heart.

Picture a great wall which is my life as I tear it down and weep in the tumbled and chalky remains that litter my mind. Oh, did I have control? I try to look back but it was a hollow shell. A long and hollow shell many layers deep that I believed to be just loneliness and see it for the wasted time it truly was.

Part of me hates this pain and I feel bitter to the point of tears but I would thank her for the time spent making that pain possible. Biting my tongue gains me inches in this sorrowful time I hope and with my hope I stay in pain.  That pain for which I would thank her.

September 25, 2007

I wish I could explain it better…

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 8:21 pm

I find myself able to write again and wish I couldn’t..  only the distinct drowning pain in my heart, lungs, and stomach is such a tool for revival.

And so I write on and were it ink my tears would stain its edges and were it paper my hands would crumple it in despair.

September 20, 2007

And we pray.

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 11:41 pm

Dear God…   Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies, STOP!!

And now..

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 11:41 pm

what dies within me, wilting in such a pathetic, wounding way. Like a drinking dagger it folds into the skin and slips beneath what holds me in.

August 23, 2007

I don’t know..

Filed under: What I say — Sadist @ 7:41 pm

What grows inside me isn’t something that can simply be said and even said there is no one who would listen. It’s just, being empty. I get excited about something and then that goes wrong and the emptiness is even more stifling.

If it weren’t so mind numbingly depressing it might be funny but the fact is I find much more creativity in my emptiness, as if I create something better to buoy my well-being.

And I cling to those things which make life understandable: my job, my daughter, my writing.

Yet even in those things: my job is merely a catalyst, my daughter I share and in her absence my heart bleeds, and my writing, well, my writing has a sharp edge.

Who is to say? And who is there to talk to? Maybe a life alone is my fate, if that exists. If there is a God, perhaps it is my salvation to be alone and empty? Or maybe I think too much.

August 11, 2007

10

Filed under: A Matchbox 20 — Sadist @ 1:42 am

2.24p.m.

Lister arrives swiftly in a billow of dust and Relter looks up from his card game with the twins and pays for it as I see Harry palm a card. I look up at Lister from the throne and watch him expectantly.

Scuffling on the ladder is indication enough that Draven and Gabby come to hear what Lister’s news is as well.

Sneering, Lister eyes the two on the ladder and looks back to me, “We got a rat, and you won’t believe your ears, Boss.”

“Try me.”

“Flanders rolled on Simms today, straight up. Heard it from Twitch not two hours ago who got it from Vern who was escorting a well-to-do in the Judge’s Quarter. Flanders is leaking like a stuck pig but not nearly as much as he’s going to when I get close enough to him.”

“You are not to move against Flanders,” I say evenly. “What about Simms, how is he?”

“Johnston heard from the innkeeper who knew the, ah, previous owner of the store he’s running, that Simms killed two of the fat fuckers Ferns usually wallows with and nearly got away. He lives I think but things are getting weird in the city, Boss, my guess is that they’ll torture him. Word is, Flanders took a lick too even after he gave them the low down on Simms. That fucking bastard.”

I purse my lips, torture is the reason I figured on Simms being the man for the job. If there was anyone with something to prove it was Simms and he wouldn’t bend for anyone.

“I repeat, Lister, you are not to move against Flanders.”

“Boss, that rat bastard rolled on one of us! He knows where almost everyone is, who knows who will be next, he’s mine!”

“Do I have to detain you here, Lister? I said no. We needed someone on the inside, I sent Flanders to get it done.”

Lister’s jaw drops a mile and Relter grins from ear to ear.

Slowly, Lister put words to his unusual silence, “You sold us?”

Draven sidles to the doorway and loosens his short sword and I shake my head quickly, Gabby wide eyed and worried.

“Lister, you’ll hear fairly soon that Flanders rolled on our location but you are absolutely forbidden to return here until given word. We’ve got a false location being set up by Beebee and Alton north of the city. Under no circumstance do I plan on giving up any more of the 20, but Flanders and Simms walked into the city knowing their job.”

Shaking his head with a wide grimace of dislike Lister shifts his weight. I carefully keep my eyes on his face but notice the quick dance his fingers do near the hilts of his weapons.

“Fuck it!” Lister snarls and turns, just now noticing Draven and pushes him out of the way and nearly walks into Amm, standing like a barrier in the doorway.

Unconsciously Lister takes a few steps back as does Draven who is the next closest.

Amm is dripping blood into the dirt from a wound in her arm and a bolt appears to be sticking through a thin piece of skin in her left arm but it is hardly her wounds that make her presence outstanding.

Her hair is jet black and what I had taken for black tears before is still laced down her cheeks. I can’t meet her eyes; they are so bright and searing that I hurt when looking straight on.

The card game is now completely paused and Gabby has her back to a stall, fingering her long dagger.

When Amm sways I am the first to her, off my throne to catch her before she hits the ground. “There are things in the woods…” she murmurs and then appears to drift off into sleep.

“Lister, you wait until night to leave. Draven, to the roof with the crossbow and Relter, get the doors closed and barricaded. Gabby, help the twins ready anything they’ve got and stand by.”

4.55p.m.

But the rest of the day is quiet and we spent the hours of tense waiting caring for Amm and her many wounds, the least of which is not the long claw mark on her back. She woke twice and mercilessly apologized to me before falling asleep again.

Now I give Lister a nod in answer to his constant barrage of “Can I go now?”

The bolt removed and her injuries taken care of, Amm sleeps soundly in a nest of hay in the stall farthest from the door. I check her twice before I leave her to walk out close to the door where the others are gathered quietly.

“Gabby, go through the city and find Beebee and Alton and get them out of there. I’ll expect you back tomorrow night at latest. Here is some money, split it three ways and each of you pick up rations in different places on the way back so it doesn’t look like we’re buying in bulk.” Accepting the money, Gabby sidles to the door, glancing at Draven who nods reassuringly.

“Also,” I say loudly and Gabby turns back, “come back through the south gate and stop at the stables to look at some livestock, see what Nod has to say.”

“Sure, Boss,” Gabby replies meekly and she’s gone.

‘Boss, are you sure she should be out on her own? I mean, what Amm said…” he trails off.

“It’s bad enough we’ll have three traveling with goods back to the barn, we don’t need any more to gather attention.”

Draven nods but I know he’s unsure and worried. He should join the club. I don’t speak these words, I just go back to sit with Amm who slumbers restfully, her wounds closing quickly.

10.04p.m.

“I calmed down almost as soon as I left, I knew you didn’t mean anything by it, we’re all tense.” Amm is lying with her head on my leg, her hair almost bled of the black and the stains on her cheeks have faded. “I stayed out so I could think; I spent a lot of time around you when you were at the east point and the rest near the river.”

I don’t respond; I feel as if I owe her my silence, my ability to listen, not to comment.

“I came up on a camping group of police near the Little Hand docks while they were packing away their tents and getting ready to move. I kept at the edge of their camp watching for some indication of which way they were headed or if they had information we could use.”

She pauses, her breathing even, and after several minutes I look down to see if she isn’t sleeping. My movement may have interrupted her reverie as she begins again soon after, “Whatever was shadowing them came up on me fast and I was fighting hard just to stay alive. We fell into the camp and startled the police and a few died when they didn’t move fast enough to escape the wild actions of the creature.”

“It was obvious to me pretty quick that it wasn’t with them when it caught the first volley of bolts and turned on them. I caught it as it killed another man but they were firing on me now also and after one caught me in the arm I threw the creature into them and got out of there.”
“Now I just wonder if they got out of there.”

Combing my fingers through her hair I nod and she looks up at me. “Do you think they did, Hank?”
“I think you gave them a fighting chance and I would like to think those men were grateful and quick witted enough to get while the getting was good.” Her eyes are brown and warm and reflect the smile that is on her lips now.

All is quiet. Draven is sleeping in the loft, Relter is on the roof Harry is at the northern watch, Larry at the eastern; the southern point is abandoned for the night.

I do not know how long I’ve watched her breathing but the black has drained from her hair completely and the crickets outside the dark doorway of the barn have started their song.

Her features are the soft beauty of her daytime persona and I run my finger along her jaw line and smile when she shivers as if cold.

“Amm, so much has happened and I get more and more worried about everyone, especially you.” I pause and she sighs, squeezing my leg. “I just… I love you, Amm.” My eyes burn and I blink away the tears rapidly.

Almost inaudibly, I hear her soft snoring and almost laugh out loud. Talking to myself I smile and lay my head against the wall to sleep, “So much for intimacy.”

9

Filed under: A Matchbox 20 — Sadist @ 1:41 am

12.21p.m.

She isn’t back yet and worry, not to mention guilt, is eating at my stomach. I had hoped she would appear on my watch but last night passed fruitlessly and the day is hot and boring. Draven is finished spreading bolt holes through the barn and Gabby, after following Draven for most of yesterday, is twisting several thin twine lines into thick stretches of rope.

Relter returned last night with a very impressive crossbow with a black stock and smoked metal fittings to hide well in the darkness and word that Johnston was set up very well with only a bit of grumbling from the storekeeper who was less than happy to be confined to his supply room.

I am sitting again in the middle of the floor on a bench Relter was crafty enough to build with snide remarks about the King needing a throne, sharpening long wooden shafts into decent spears. I keep an eye on the barn doors, expecting Amm to stroll in, her features soft and pretty in her daytime persona.

Harry and Larry are also back, their heads together in the corner, a malicious ‘har har’ drifting to my ears every few minutes. These are truly their shining moments, when they’re in the element of explosions and fire.

Thousands of possibilities with the plans I’ve lain keep pushing themselves into my head and I banish them once more and they’re replaced by worry about Amm. It’s only when I’m inactive that I have problems being the ‘Boss.’ I feel I should be protecting the 20, who have put their faith in me.

A loud crack and a flurry of motion and Larry his on his back and what looks like a small animal is whipping around the barn floor sprouting flames and breathing fire as it goes. It whips closer and I roll off my seat into the closest stall, waiting for it to burn itself out and hear Larry and Harry hooting with laughter, Larry still lying in the hay.

Sizzling, the flaming animal stops and trembles like the top of a boiling kettle then shrieks deafeningly and shoots out of the barn faster than the eye can follow and explodes.

“Yar, Boss, some quick feet you’n got thar!” Harry bellows between laughs and Larry hoots off again.

“What the devil was that?” Draven’s head appears over the loft ledge, his hair unusually disheveled and his face flushed and I only now notice Gabby is no longer twining rope.

“Skive off, purdy face!” Harry laughs and Larry answers, “It’s an Exploding Squirrel, obviously!”

My stomach sinks, “Tell me you two didn’t just blow up a…”

“Har har! No, Boss, would’ve lef’ quite a bit more mess, yar? No, just some leaves patched over a firework and a couple of jointed wheels. Spanked you, though, didn’ she? Har har har!”

Harry breaks down in laughter once more and falls on his back and I can’t help grinning.

After many loud minutes Harry finally controls his humor and sits up, wiping his eyes, “Thinkin’ it’ll give them that try an’ get at us a pause. Give us somethin’ to laugh at anywho!”

Then Relter’s shaggy head poked through the door timidly, as if expecting another screaming rodent to come his way and quietly said, “What in the hell was that?”

This time I join in the twins’ laughter.

6.15p.m.

Draven has taken the north watch point tonight, Gabby east and the twins are taking the south, leaving Rel and I sitting at the barn. I’ve assigned myself to the roof watch point and from the scratching I hear from the hole we made in the roof on the first day, Relter is continuing my spear making.

Everything in the last week is cramming itself into my head and tomorrow Flanders hands himself in to the Judges. My gut wrenches thinking about it and the danger I’ve sent twelve of the 20 into without explanation.

And Amm, hopefully still safe in the woods around the barn but as yet refusing to return to the barn. I’m certain she wouldn’t have turned herself in, almost as certain as I am that one of the 20 in the city would have returned to report it by this time.

Only the last hour has been quiet, the hours before that filled with the popping and crackling and shrill shrieking of the twins’ exploding squirrels. The last of which caught fire to some hay and finally lit Harry up like a candle. Though all was contained and Harry was still in quite good humor, I forced them to make that their last experiment and sent them on to their watch.

Not a minute passes that I find myself thinking of reasons to go into the city and check on the 20 that are secreted in various positions. Of all the people who cannot enter the city, Amm and I are the high list, we would be spotted long before we accomplished anything of value.

So I sit still, the sun still hot but fading toward the west steadily.

The heat of the roof makes me drowsy and the constant swish and flick of Relter whittling spear points serves as a soft, repetitive lullaby…

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